The String And Octopus Guide To
Parenthood
by Colin Bowles
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant
parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
mother
or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick
a bean bag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After
9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the
contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist
to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick
up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go a head and have children, find a couple who
are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience,appallingly low tolerance levels,
and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest
ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it,
it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room
From 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
lbs. At 10pm, put the bagdown, set the alarm for midnight, and
go to sleep.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again,
with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't
get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed
at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing
songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up.
Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear
ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains.
Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bedsthen rub them on
the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that
look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a
live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into
the fishnet bag so that noneof the arms hang out. Time allowed
for this: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only
cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas
cracker. Last, take a milk container, aping pong ball, and an
empty packet of Cocoa Pops, and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a
place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can
leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars
don't look like that. Buya chocolate popsickle and put it in the
glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it
firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of
chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a
garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in.
Go out again. Walk down thefront path. Walk back up it. Walk
down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.
Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used
chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace
your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,
until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go
back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking
a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is
excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more
than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the
goats out of your sight. Pay for every thing the goats eat or
destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl
of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon
by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the
oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a
lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-
month-old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam,
And Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing
"Postman Pat" at work, you finally qualify as a parent